“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot, and hang on.”

Great Aunt Adeline

The continual gray days of winter do not help an ever-growing anxiety I have during this time of the year. I want to be positive, motivated, and accomplish goals. I want to be more disciplined. Instead, I’m emotionally drained. I feel like a complete an utter failure.

Today is my brother’s death date. He’s been gone for fifteen years. Still, we all miss him. He always seemed buoyant. Someone who could immediately light up a room. He loved having fun and was so fun to be around. Unfortunately, he ended up getting cancer in his bile duct that spread. The last time I saw him was when he was in a nursing home a few days before he passed. He was only 57 years old, and he looked like he was 80. His poor belly was popped out and his hair looked gray and lifeless.

Yesterday I went to speak to a friend about a problem. It’s a private matter, but I felt compelled to speak with her because she is my very best friend, and it didn’t go well. I’ve caused a rift that will most likely never be repaired.

A few days ago, I misunderstood a FB post and responded inappropriately. Wow, I cannot help but feel totally inept. I may have caused another person I admire think unkindly of me. I screw up.

Now, the snow is falling. The sky continues to be a silver gray. Depression is seeping through my pores. I’m going to make a to do list. I’m going to try to keep busy, but the weight feels like too much.

I’m tying a knot; I’m trying to hang on.