Sitting Behind the Eight Ball

Drafting Poems: The Pain of Revision

Posted by Barb Edler

The Stafford Writing Challenge has me playing with words more than ever. Sometimes I’ve asked for feedback from friends and family. Of course, feedback is something that takes time and energy and our lives are busy. After reading and responding to students work for over forty-two years, I believe a few comments maybe more helpful than several. Most students do not want to revise, and I completely understand because it can be a time consuming and painful process.

Recently, I reviewed some poems I submitted to workshops through the Iowa Poetry Association’s spring and fall workshop. I restructured these and changed some language. I actually felt pretty proud of them when I finished, but I cannot share them yet as they have to be judged and I will not know until June if any will be published in Lyrical Iowa. This journal will take only one poem from each author. I’ve never placed anything beyond honorable mention. Consequently, I’m not expecting much. It’s the craft that matters to me and the end result.

I shared this haiku with my friend Glenda Funk. She said she didn’t usually like the word just but she thought it was effective for the haiku. I keep playing with this one.

To Do List:
             just got shorter 
                         grave snow blanket 

Last fall I sat in a zoom session hosted by IPA where the writer discussed haiku. A few of the expectations include a juxtaposition, suggestion of the season, and to not follow the 5/7/5 syllable count which is a misunderstanding about the form and shouldn't be followed. He also thought haiku should not be titled.

Anyway, here are two more versions:

Snow blankets mother's 
               grave~to do list
                         erased

My to do's
       no longer exist
               winter snow graves

My question to myself is to consider when to make things more general or to add the personal touch as in the haiku that has the grave identified as mother's grave. Does it make it more compelling or is it better to be vague so the reader connects to whatever experiences they may have?

A barge on the Mississippi River. Photograph taken by me. We have seen a few back on the river. A great sign that spring is here.

Happy Sunday. Today is a very big one for Hawkeye fans. Hopefully, I will be writing about a happy dance tomorrow.

Barb Edler Avatar

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Barb Edler
Hello, I am a retired English teacher. I live along the Mississippi River and enjoy watching birds, the river, and nature in general. Writing for me is a gateway to healing, and I love to wrestle words in hopes of capturing an emotion or image others may relate.
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14 responses to “Drafting Poems: The Pain of Revision”

  1. Glenda Funk Avatar
    Glenda Funk

    Barb,

    No titles on haiku? I did not know that. I title everything! Time to change. What have you learned about punctuation in your workshops? I noticed you don’t use any. What about dropping the third line down a space? I’m thinking about how space on the page underscores and creates meaning. I like all the haiku. I do like the punch specificity gives, and I think the there is some ambiguity in the second one.

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    1. Barb Edler Avatar
      Barb Edler

      The one thing I found out from poetry workshops is whatever you do with punctuation is to make it consistent. Sometimes I will punctuate. Mostly I do not because then it just makes it easier. One critic told me I shouldn’t use the semicolon in poems which I kind of have a habit of doing to replace the and. So now I just use a comma. Also, I tend not to capitalize unless it’s a proper noun. This is something I may eventually change, too. I’ve read a lot of poems that have no caps whatsoever, but I still do not like seeing i not capitalized.

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    2. Barb Edler Avatar
      Barb Edler

      What do you think of this idea:

      Snow blankets mother’s
      name~to do list
      erased

      Structuring haiku is sort of weird. I like them more blocked, but I was mimicking the writer’s style. I like the idea of more white space to emphasize a line. Thanks!

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      1. Glenda Funk Avatar
        Glenda Funk

        I like the indentation you used in the first version.

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      2. Barb Edler Avatar
        Barb Edler

        Oh I didn’t fix the indents since I copied and pasted it in to the reply box.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Glenda Funk Avatar
        Glenda Funk

        I must be thinking of a different poem. Jetpack doesn’t show the original post.

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  2. kimhaynesjohnson Avatar
    kimhaynesjohnson

    Barb, there is so much to learn here, especially about the titles of Haiku. I love those shorter forms. I’m excited about your poetry submission coming up. Like Glenda, I like all of the ones you wrote and see them a bit like looking at a piece of art from various angles. There is beauty in each glance where we see different things each time. 

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  3. wordancerblog Avatar
    wordancerblog

    Barb – I always tend to the personal. To me – it make the poem real. I think it’s combining the big idea with the personal that makes a poem personal. 

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    1. Barb Edler Avatar
      Barb Edler

      Thanks, Joanne. I agree.

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  4. Stacey Shubitz Avatar
    Stacey Shubitz

    Just is one of those words I’m constantly trying to eradicate from my writing. But JUST worked perfectly in your haiku!

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  5. Denise Krebs Avatar
    Denise Krebs

    Barb, this is so fascinating to see the versions and your thought processes. Good luck with Lyrical Iowa. What a prestigious publication. I do like the first one best. It can have multiple interpretations, and I like “grave snow blanket” It can have literal or figurative meanings. I like them all better having read all three.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Leah Koch Avatar
    Leah Koch

    I like the second one best. Thanks for revealing how much thought, craft, and revision goes into your poetry!

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Maureen Young Ingram Avatar
    Maureen Young Ingram

    Barb, I have learned so much from this slice. I am participating in the Stafford Challenge, too – and never dreamed of sharing my poems with others and considering their edits; I see such wisdom in this. I am fascinated by no titles for haikus – and to toss out the 5-7-5 formatting…I feel unmoored, lol.

    I don’t know why, I can’t explain, I love this one:

    Snow blankets mother’s
    grave~to do list
    erased

    This is the beauty of art: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You are a fabulous poet! Thank you!

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    1. Barb Edler Avatar
      Barb Edler

      Thank you, Maureen!

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